i had this one dream once that i was with my grandma at her house and she told me she hated me and that everything was a lie and she kept saying she hated me and i stabbed her and she bled out and died and i woke up and i cried really hard for like 15 minutes straight it was the worst dream i’d ever had

[6:12:53 PM] mahkka: OH MY GOD I JUST remembered yesterday at case management
[6:13:09 PM] mahkka: i was talking to my case manager about activism and racism and she said
[6:13:50 PM] mahkka: “well oli, you know, there are bad people but there are good white people too. there are good black people, but there are also n******” and i just cut her off and said
[6:14:06 PM] asuka: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy goooooooood
[6:14:09 PM] mahkka: “you really shouldn’t use that word”
[6:14:20 PM] mahkka: “well i was just QUOTING”
[6:14:29 PM] mahkka: “you shouldn’t use that word it is harmful and a slur”
[6:14:33 PM] asuka: I was quoting the esteemed philosopher Louis C.K. of Reddit fame
[6:14:33 PM] mahkka: “black people say it”
[6:14:44 PM] mahkka: “it’s a reclaimed slur and it’s not yours to say because you’re white”
[6:15:09 PM] mahkka: “well oli, i used that word hoping we could have a normal adult conversation but i guess i was wrong and i’m sorry”
[6:15:15 PM] asuka: holy shit
[6:15:18 PM] asuka: what a baby
[6:15:33 PM] mahkka: the time before i
[6:15:38 PM] mahkka: vented about everything at home and she said
[6:17:44 PM] mahkka: “well oli, you really can’t do anything about that right now, but i think if i didn’t tell you this right now i’d be doing a bad job as your case manager. i mean…. if i had gone through anything you’ve been through i’d probably want to kill myself. i’d feel really alone. but even if nobody else loves you, oli, god loves you. i want you to think about that. i mean, i’m not pushing god on you but… accepting god into your life is a good coping method and without god in my life, my life would be cold and empty just like yours”
[6:18:23 PM] asuka: this kind of shit is why i think psychiatry is a joke
[6:18:23 PM] asuka: like
[6:18:36 PM] asuka: there are no set standards to prevent your personal bigotry and stupid shit from interfering with your practice
[6:18:38 PM] asuka: at all
[6:18:52 PM] asuka: shes gross
[6:19:45 PM] mahkka: yeah

i keep having this dream every night where i grind my teeth so hard they all chip and fall out and i find out i’m dying and my parents and my aunt and my cousins and milky tell me i deserve to die and all i hear other than that for the entire rest of the dream is ITS ALL YOUR FAULT ITS ITS ALL FAULT ITS YOUR FAULT KILL YOURSELF DIE DIE ITS YOUR FAULT ITS YOUR FAULT WE HATE YOU DIE ITS ALL YOUR FAULT DIE DIE DIE YOUR FAULT KILL YOURSELF DIE DIE DIE ITS ALL YOUR FAULT WE HATE YOU YOU DESERVE TO DIE